In the looks department I’m something that’s a little bit soul destroying. I’m ordinary. Such a plain word, a faintly disappointing word: ordinary. I’m not back-of-a-bus ugly or Julie Christie gorgeous, I’m in the middle: plain. I’m all right if I make an effort and there’s soft lighting but generally I’m bog-standard ordinary.
I not sure if I could handle the pressure if he were a 10/10 and I’m only a 5/10. Trying to look my best all the time would be too much like hard work. After all I can only suck in my flabby belly for so long before breathing becomes an issue. I like breathing! There’s also the problem of trying to push my boobs back in place as they slowly slide under my arms when I lay on my back in bed. It’s hard to look alluring in that position.
Plus I’d never be able to sleep properly because I’d have to be up first every morning so I could rush to the bathroom to clean my teeth / do my hair / put on my make-up. Would hold-you-in big knickers be too much? All right during the day – if you don’t eat – but not at night.
Trouble is, not only do I like breathing; I’m also very fond of cake and wine. I’m not about to give those up.
No, being with a truly stunning gorgeous partner would be too hard for a lazy-arse like me. I’m more than happy with my man and I’m going to keep him.
But I would, just once, have liked a night of steamy passion with someone drop-dead gorgeous. It will never happen, not now, not unless I pay for it and that really isn’t the point, but it would have been nice. To roll over and think wow, wow, WOW!
It would be even better if they were hopelessly, story-book, in love with me. Is that a fantasy for many ordinary looking people or is it just me? To have someone heart-stoppingly attractive, not only take us to bed but also to allay our fears that we’re not worthy of them.
Oh the bliss.
But, I don’t think I’d have the confidence to believe them. Why would someone that good looking want to be with me? And falling in love with me? No, I wouldn’t believe it. I’d always be thinking that they had an ulterior motive or that someone would take them away from me in an instant. I couldn’t cope with that. But it was a scenario that I wanted to explore. How do you let yourself believe that someone you think is stunning really, truly wants you? Even more difficult if you have a low opinion of yourself that has nothing to do with looks. Do you allow yourself to fall in love with them?
What if you’re already in love with them? Do you take what you can get, knowing you’re not worthy, or do you try to do the noble thing, the thing that you feel is more honourable?
Thinking about the other point of view, if you’re gorgeous, how do you persuade someone with poor self-esteem that you really are in love with them?
I was intrigued by those ideas/dilemmas so I wove them into the story in my new book, ‘To Stand Close’ which is out now. A beautiful young man forced close to someone who doesn’t realise just how beautiful he is. How can they fall in love and fall in bed?